FEAR OR SELF
i first met Paul when I was 27 years old. I remember those first few dates so vividly. Him approaching, head held high, his grayish hair bouncing in the wind and this shit eating grin that let me know I was in so much trouble. He had this whole front up, as we all do when we are making first impressions on new people. How we’d like to be interpreted can vary based on each person we meet. I used to think a lot more about that around that age, it’s funny and almost comical to think about trying to be anyone other than myself now, I’m so comfortable with myself because I’m allowed to be myself in every part of my life and I know the people that I love deeply, love who I am.
I remember first being intimate with Paul, it was just like every other man I’d been with since having Aeva. I was terrified. Terrified of the body that pregnancy had left behind. A man would reach for the bottom of my shirt and my mood would instantly change. Discomfort washed over me and some gross word vomit would erupt from my lips in the form of an uncomfortable apology about my gross body. Every guy would react the same and treat me as if I was crazy but inevitably the mood would be killed and the relationship would end there and date number 3 never came.
At 27 I had wised up. No more apologizing for my body no matter how difficult that was. I was still visibly uncomfortable and tense during any type of physical encounter. Paul is divorced and is a father. Somehow knowing he spent many years of his life with a woman who had also had her body destroyed by pregnancy and child birth was comforting. What was not comforting was the fact that I was completely inexperienced. I will say theres nothing worse than watching “Shameless” and seeing Fiona Gallagher time after time whip off her clothes and jump the guy she’s dating in this heroic, sexy and experienced way. Not to mention every scene ends with her having this crazy intense orgasm. Really? Am I supposed to be like that? Bravely jumping into bed and whipping off my clothing. Some girls might read this and say FUCK YES! And I get for some women it’s easy to be sexy but I was really insecure about all of it.
Paul made me feel safe and more comfortable than being with any man my own age, however, much less comfortable when dealing with the difference of experience. It wasn’t going to take much to be more experienced than me, but the level of difference between he and I was huge. I remember him so vividly one night getting ready for bed, standing there at probably 6% body fat and me trying not to notice so I didn’t stroke his ego too much. I got into bed in FULL SWEATS. He was horrified by this. He literally could not believe how much clothing I was planning to sleep in.
He asked if I would sleep naked with him, which at the time seriously grossed me out and made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. The idea of skin on skin contact with full nudity repulsed me! He explained that it helped him feel connected to me and skin on skin contact was important for bonding and it would help him sleep better and it was 100% not meant in a sexual way. In my brain I was like yeah right! But we had been on multiple dates and I could tell he was sincere and I was starting to crack through that shit eating grin and see there was a lot more to this man than met the eye at first.
He was right. Sleeping nude not only felt great, but it increased our bond. I trusted him so much more than anyone I’d ever been intimate with. It made me face my body for the first time and trust someone else with it. My fear of being naked, of being intimate slowly but surely started to fade and I fully thank sleeping naked for it. I no longer am able to sleep in clothing and if for some odd reason I fall asleep fully clothed, I will wake up in the middle of the night and strip down due to discomfort.
I’m no longer afraid of my own body. I know it well now. Fitness has been a huge component as well in regards to getting to know my body. I’ve learned to appreciate it for how many amazing things it’s capable of. I’ve learned to listen to it when it feels badly. I’ve changed my diet so things operate and function more smoothly. I really feel over the last 6 years I’ve been on a journey of knowing and learning my body and it’s so nice to just be fully comfortable with myself.
If any of this resonates with you, I have a few bits of advice for you. Sleep naked. Spend time being naked. Get used to the way your body looks and feels. Listen to your body. Take notes. Feeling off? What have you eaten today? Being connected to your body will help you not be so scared of yourself.
Intentionally Winging it,
Tif